To Someone I Love,

I am sorry for all the times I hurt you. Emotionally and physically.

I am so sorry for all the times I showed you how much I hated you, how much I disrespected your values and opinions, how little I cared about you.

I hate myself for all the words I said and pain I caused you. Not too proud to take them back, to apologize, but too hurt to stop.

I am sorry for every time I made you cry or lash out in pain. I am sorry I wasn’t the person you hoped or thought. I am sorry for being difficult. I am sorry for every unreasonable expectation or request.

I am sorry if I’m not there for you. I’m sorry for disapproving and shutting you out. I’m sorry for everything.

My reasonings were selfish. I was so hurt by you, by your actions and words towards myself and those around us, by your oblivion, by your thoughts and opinions. I was only trying to make you understand how much you hurt me. And I know I was immature about it, and I know I did and said things I shouldn’t have, and I know I will regret it and hurt myself more than I can imagine because of it. I have caused so much pain to you, myself and those around us. I was only trying to make you understand.

And now perhaps I can begin to move on. But that scares me too. To move on would be to forgive, to make myself vulnerable, to take down my guard. And to let you know that despite all the hurt and pain, I can forgive you, that it’s ok.

But it scares me more, to know that in ten years time I may not have this change to let you know how much I love you. For now at least I have the opportunity to remedy the past, to move on. Maybe then when you are gone I will only regret half my actions and words towards you. Maybe then I will be able to remember how happy I made you too.

I don’t know how to treat you well and be amicable. I know I sound cold and uninterested when I speak to you, but I don’t mean to. I hope with time and forgiveness I can learn to respect and talk animatedly with you again.

I know my reasons are selfish.

It kills me to know that you may never meet my partner. You may never meet my children. You may never see my house, or know my career. It kills me to know you may be gone before I forgive you.

So here. So now. So this.

I am sorry for all the hurt and pain I have caused you, I am sorry for the range and anger I felt, I am sorry for all the tears and hatred. I am so, so sorry. I forgive you.