I am so depressed, I feel so down, so trapped, so scared.

I can’t tell you because I am trapped by my fear. I am scared to talk because I couldn’t bear your thoughts, the blame you would put on yourself. I couldn’t bear your words if they were not perfect.

I hate something in me.

I need to protect myself from hurt, and by doing that I am hurting myself more. But at least this way I can control my hurt, I can filter the pain and hatred for myself.

If it’s a choice between hurting myself or the risk of being hurt by others, I will hurt myself.

I hate something in me.

I hate that I have hurt you. I push you away and block you out. But it is the easiest thing to do, rather that than opening up and explaining why.

I am sorry for all the times I have disappointed you, I am sorry for all the times I have made myself bleed. But it is for the best. I cannot stand to tell you the reasons why, I can barely stand to know them myself.

I hate something in me.

I hate that I do this to you, I hate that I do this to myself. But it’s easier this way.

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