I am terrified.

I am scared to be happy, scared to have too much fun, scared to feel so alive. Scared that this is it. Scared of the anticlimax. I am scared of being happy enough not to care. Scared of being happy enough to care.

I am scared that I will be treated differently for being a girl. Scared that I will be treated as “the girlfriend”. Scared because I am “tame”, because I love nature. Scared because I am so different. Scared of not fitting in. Scared of being different, of not belonging, of being rejected. I am so scared because I care. I am scared because I am sensible, scared that I might not be. I am so, so terrified.

I am scared that I will be so far from home, late at night, and I am not used to that and it makes me feel insecure. Scared because I will be so far out of my comfort zone, scared because the people I will be with are confident and don’t appear to have the same fears. Scared because I might panic, or break down. Scared because I am clumsy and sometimes act like an idiot. Scared because I care. I am scared because I am responsible. I am terrified.

Tomorrow I am going to see a band play with some friends, I have never done this before and I am terrified. Terrified that I will belong, and terrified that I won’t.